The view from planet ESL
You think teaching English is humdrum? Eat your words. The lessons I’ve learned from my students span a range of subjects from politics to beauty, from jobs to etiquette. Reality TV pales in comparison to the antics of those cameo characters who appear in vocabulary sentences. Take Elizabeth, for instance. She mastered French, Spanish and Latin, but “did only moderately well in Greed.” Probably just as well.
Tina’s mom was a “stick mother.” Was she a cartoon? A child beater? Or just very, very thin? While Tommy was “probing for his lost cat”, Marty was “beguiled into singing his contract.” Bill was “crazy for fishing,” but had never got a “sermon.” So why didn’t he go to church?
Who knew you could be paid for “driving a cub?” When I was in Girl Guides, that was all volunteer work. But when one student “took a cub to the movie,” she had to pay. Another person got a salary for “delivering males.” Puzzling indeed. Could that be why there are “many more valets stolen on public transit than in private cars”?
I love old movies, and so do many of my students. Does Gong with the Wind ring a bell? (By the way, don’t worry about that noise from the auditorium. It’s just the “school bang.”)
Learning to appreciate my native land, I discovered that Canada was a “diplomacy.” Furthermore, under Canadian law, “It’s illegal for a man to marry his widow.” And here’s a possible explanation for today’s crime rates. “Once parliament has passed the law, it becomes publicly obscure.” Weather-wise, Canada is somewhat cool, whereas the countries nearer the equator are “warm and human all year round.”
In the manners department, it was a delight to learn that “monogamies” are often used on table linen. To complement this peculiar form of etiquette, I gleaned some gastronomical lore. This advice is presumably for hungry hockey players: “Don’t eat the rink with the watermelon.” One whimsical cake recipe involves “shuffling the flowers and eggs.” And unsurprisingly, “indecent cookies taste bad.”
One pessimist had a hard time with the concept of Thanksgiving. He got the idea that we eat “crankberry” sauce and “turkey suffering” alongside the mashed potatoes. He even believed that adults were “allowed to whine with their dinner.”
Those who’ve read their Shakespeare may know how knaves are used. But who knew they could also be pressed into service “when there is a flat tire?” For that matter, I found it strange that a fragrance was characterized as a “sweat smell”?
Teaching ESL also expanded my scientific knowledge. It seems that boars are not wild pigs, but “pieces of wood which are used for building houses.” And seeing-eye dogs are so smart that the blind are “led by the dog with a leash.”
I have also come to see agriculture through new eyes. A flock of sheep “gazing in the field,” were apparently not looking where they were going; thus, “one sheep sank in the sea.” Then, in a spectacular if unorthodox feat, a farmer “used the tractor to pull the field.” And pastoral peace was disturbed once more when one gardener enthusiastically raised a “mob of vegetables.”
There's always something to learn about health and beauty, and sometimes the new information evokes surprise, and even doubt. It’s true that I need my bifocals for sewing, but I confess I found it hard to believe my health would be “in vain if I kept on smocking.” At least I’m in better shape than the unfortunate woman who “liked to collect selves from the beach.” Here’s a good beauty tip: “prejudice causes an inferior complexion.” I assume this refers to the perpetrators – serves them right.
Pedagogically, I was dismayed by the claim that “The teacher is always glad to have a class of insentient children.” I prefer my own classes to be fully conscious. The good news is that as a group, we’re amazingly dedicated. One instructor “thought for two years” after completing her training.
Having taught essay writing for many years, I considered myself well-informed on the subject. But here too, there were surprises in store. Who knew an essay could be “lethal”? Apparently, this happens when its parts are well-connected and form a pleasing whole.
On a multicultural note, “Greeks and Arabs fascinate us with their souvlakia.” Oh – and a couple of cautions for local tourists. Stay away from “Gross Mountain.” And beware of Stanley Park, which “attacks thousands of tourists” every year.
Sometimes, just before I fall asleep, I ponder certain questions that arise out of the claims my students make. Can you pour coffee out of thermometers? Do larva come out of a volcano? Do "immorals" really live forever, or does it just seem like that to the rest of us? Who are the “udder people”? In the morning, I wake up, throw my books in my “krapsack” and head to work, eager to discover what arcane lore I’m about to learn next.
Meanwhile, I hope that my intrepid students will eventually grapple our lawless language to the ground. May they get better jobs than driving cubs and delivering males, and watch their bank accounts grow as “the money rows in.”