Dear Corporate-style Charity

I am writing about the enormous calculator and tri-color pen you sent me in the mail. If you are relying on such a device, I suggest you re-check its functioning. Your calculations are clearly incorrect. You say my donation is worth triple the dollar amount I send, yet offer absolutely no evidence for this mathematically nonsensical claim.

A more realistic estimate is that perhaps half my donation will be used to support your good works. The rest will have to be spent on sending the next round of cheap bribes. I understand that giant corporate charities have to solicit funds in a dog-eat-dog world, and compete for diminishing dollars. But may I suggest that the race to flood potential donors with ever fancier plastic goods is far from an ideal solution? I for one resent your transparent attempts at manipulation, not to mention the waste of resources.

Still, since my mother taught me to be polite, courtesy is an ingrained habit, so I must thank you for the calculator and pen. But in these days when every phone and computer has a calculator function, just how many calculators does one household need? Also, has it not crossed your minds that people might donate freely instead of in exchange for "prizes"?

If you really must send "gifts," please refrain from sending more unwanted plastic clutter. Fresh flowers would be a lovely choice, or possibly chocolates. Even better, I'd love a small pet - perhaps a goldfish. But no, those ideas are all too impractical.

I have it! How about a rebate cheque for the money you refrained from spending on bits of plastic? Then you wouldn't be seen to be contributing to the garbage problem and wasting non-renewable energy. I doubt that I'm alone in my frustration at witnessing how as charities like yours work for their various causes, they contribute ever more irresponsibly to the tsunami of junk mail.

On receiving the calculator, I sent you a donation -- in spite of and not because of the bribes. Lest you think this letter is not serious, let me assure you that next time I receive a large package like the one that came yesterday, I will return it to you by the next post, sans donation.

Sending my best regards, and thanking you for your good work, I remain

a sadly misunderstood potential donor (but only if you quit with the bribes)

PS Today in the post, I received a nickel from a rival charity. They've promised to make my donation worth five times as much, because for every dollar I donate, a large life insurance company will donate enough to quadruple it.

Where will this end?